Just two days shy of Valentine's Day 2003, a swollen ankle, brought me into my doctor's office, only to get the best news of my life, that I was expecting a blessing! I cried tears of joy and was overcome with emotion as my husband and I held each other. I was going to be a Mom and inside of my body, a beautiful baby was forming. I know some people say this, but I knew my baby was a boy,I could feel it. I dreamed of how he would look and I shopped for his perfect nursery, and could not wait until October, for his arrival. He was right on time and born on a Tuesday night, October 7, 2003 at 11:50 pm after a very long labor. It may seem silly but I knew you were also blessed, because you were surrounded by 7's, born on the 7th. To say that you took my breath away was certainly an understatement. One night while eating out(you were about 6 weeks old) and a stranger looked at me and said you are in love, and you have not taken your eyes off of that precious baby since you arrived. It was obvious to the rest of the world that I was indeed in love with this precious gift I had been given, that I had prayed for, for years. He is the light of my life and you could not find a more proud Mama than me. Brock was a wonderful baby, and so good natured. He was such a beautiful boy, and still is. He was patient and loving, and would play so good with his toys. Sometimes he would stare off in deep thought while playing, but we thought that the wheels were turning and he was a deep thinker. Brock is striking with blonde hair and blue eyes, just a beautiful child and I would get stopped in stores with people telling me how beautiful he was. His picture was featured at our local CVS and each time I went in, I would smile all over. Simply put, he was as close to a perfect baby as I knew, inside and out. I had waited nearly 31 years for this precious gift, and I am thankful, and blessed.
As time went on, I started to wonder about my beautiful baby boy. On October 7, 2004 on his first birthday, my baby boy was very sick and had to be air lifted to a children's hospital. To say it was a nightmare would not give the grave situation we were faced justice. He was anaphalaxying to eggs and we had no idea that he was allergic. We got through that hurdle as scary as it was, and knowing that I would have to be a watch dog over all of his food, and be careful when eating out. I began reading every label, researching restaurants, and believe it or not, in 2004 it was a lot harder to get that information. I was like a dog with a bone. My child would have cake without eggs, and enjoy the pleasures that everyone else would have. Armed with an epi pen and a little bit of knowledge, I found ways to make everything without egg and educated each person that was around Brock of his food allergies. I always hated going to a party and Brock could not eat the cake. I would feel so sorry for him. Little did I know then, that his food allergies were just the beginning of our world turning upside down.
After that scary incident, I was an overly protective Mom and I did not return back into the work force. I noticed that Brock was a little behind, although he walked early, and said "Mama" at just five months old. I decided it was up to me, and we practiced our ABC's, number's, etc. He aced it and everyone was amazed at how well he knew it. I patted myself on the back, thinking I was doing great. Brock was different. He would say words, and loved Thomas the Train. He could say each train's name, but could not carry on a conversation with us. He did point but not always, and the questions you are asked for screenings can leave you feeling torn, and wondering because Brock never quite fit into some of the categories. The reason I believe is because so little is understood about Autism, and we are just working our way toward a better solution, without understanding the problem as a whole. So, at this point, I think he is a little behind, but being my first child and having nothing to compare it with, I simply did not know what to think. He never asked for a drink, ever. I assumed I was meeting his needs before he needed it and thus the reason he never asked. Maybe I am the problem. Hmmm.. My husband and I also thought that maybe he would benefit from a morning daycare program, because he also only wanted to be with me, so we found a wonderful daycare. I absolutely loved it and the workers loved Brock. He never cried when I dropped him off, and I thought, now he will play with the other children and maybe make a connection, something I had somehow failed to do for him. He had fun, but would never tell me anything about his daycare and I kept noticing differences. I remember he recited the pledge of allegiance while driving down the road. I nearly wrecked my car, because he never mentioned school or anything they talked about and shamefully so, I was complacent and had learned to sort of except it. After asking Mrs. Pat about it, she replied, that he never sat in group, but he picked up anything and everything they learned. Again at this point he is still very little, and we can only guess that it is hard for him to be still, and that he has been an only child. She would say that you may think he is not listening, but he absorbs everything. Flash Forward to an ah-ha moment and a tearful one at that, was later, when I asked the daycare about testing Brock(he was 3 at this point) and I was asking about his communication skills. Each time I would say anything to my pediatrician he would say Brock is fine, just a little behind, but makes eye contact, he speaks well, etc., but he did not always make eye contact and he only heard minimal speech at doctor visits. Mrs. Pat began telling me that Brock had an accident a few days ago, because the bathroom door was locked and instead of telling someone, he did not know what to do so he peed in his pants. That completely broke my heart and right then I had to do something. I remember that conversation like it was yesterday. No one knew what to say and wanted to help, but they all looked at each other. How did I miss this? I knew something did not add up, but had I gotten used to this, and just blinded myself to a problem that clearly existed?
Brock was so hard to potty train. It took years and a whole year after he peed in the potty before he would poop in the potty. We tried it all, rewarding him, sitting on the potty forever it seemed like but nothing worked. I read books, talked to other Mom's and I thought I am a failure, why can't I do this?
I was placed on a very long waiting list, and it was literally months before we could get an evaluation. After all testing, I received the "developmentally delayed"label, but not Autism. Thank God, it's not Autism, oh and we just have to work harder, things are going to get better. Thank God it's not Autism. Fast Forward another year, things are getting a little better, language is improving with speech therapy, we still have temper tantrums, and we still love Thomas the Train, but things are getting better. You now go to preschool and receive services from the school system. I am hopefully optimistic and believe it is just a matter of time. We are getting there, we are working hard and climbing those hills to reach our goal. Even my family members commented on Brock's progress. We were hopeful and believing that he was a late bloomer, so to speak, and everyone will tell you boys mature at a slower rate, and they do everything pretty much behind little girls. That's all it is is, Karen, I would say to myself when I was all alone. I was pretty convincing. It was those little talks, or purposefully ignoring it and it will go away attitude, which for me, was easy after a while. I would not pay attention to the oddities but focus on the improvement. It is quite easy to live in a fantasy world, especially when doctors, family and even friends give you the comfort you need to be there. I would hear words like, he is just a boy, he'll grow out of it, and you begin to embrace and cling to it. Don't let go, things will get better....
We had begun to except certain things, and were very hopeful that you were just 4, that you were just 5, that you were just 6, and would "grow out" of the temper tantrums, being infatuated with Thomas the Train, and having difficulty with language, and socializing with other children. The older he became, the more aware I became, and I started again on my journey, only to hear it is ADHD, and he is still delayed but it is not Autism. Thank You God, it is not Autism. Thank you God, it is not Autism. Another huge sigh of relief, while still questioning internally the diagnosis. He did play with Hunter, a friend of mine's son, but, you see, he really played along side of Hunter, and that is tricky to say he never plays with other children. It can all be left up to interpretation. See how easy it is, and hard to distinguish? You want to hear that your child is going to be fine even when you know different. A professional is taking that ugly "Autism Monster" and saying he has left the building, do not be afraid, your child is not a statistic. Slay that Monster, slash him down, he doesn't exist, and has followed you because of the worry, but it is not really your reality. I would cry each time, and be thankful it was not Autism. As time went on again, we had problems, he still played by himself, did not want us to interact, and never had friends but now, we have hand flapping, which I had never seen before, and he would cover his ears when you mentioned the zoo or animal sounds. Where did this come from? Before he had poor language, and now it was pretty fantastic, I thought and we have some seriously sensory issues going on. How can this be? I just answered no to all of those questions, and put it out of my mind. It's not Autism.....is it???
I thought I had failed Brock in some way, that I had babied him too much, that he just wanted me, and that I lacked in teaching him conversation skills. Where did I go wrong? Each time he ranted and tantrumed, I thought it was my fault, that because he had been sick with food allergies, ear infections, and multiple sinus infections, that I just "gave in" too much. Even my husband thought I had created a brat at times. He would lay in the floor and cry. I could not console him or get him to stop. I did not know what to do and I thought I begged for this blessing and I am his Mother and I cannot understand him. I failed my sweet boy in more ways than one.
We went to a water park one Summer and Brock loves the water, but he completely melted down that day and out of shear exhaustion let Josh hold him. Normally he just wanted me, but he was so worn out, he just lay in Josh's arms. Josh and I talked, and would change routines, decide to be tougher, and be more scheduled. This would help, surely it would. Nothing helped and after years of finally having enough and plenty of break downs, I went back on our check up and said my son is Autistic. He has always been, and I can see it clearly now and I see all of the signs that were there, that I wanted to hide, or blame myself for, or hoped it was just delays, but the monster was back again staring me in the face and I had to be armed and brave and face it, this time I knew it, stronger and more confident and willing to except, those words. I could finally bear it, but what price had Brock paid for waiting so long? I had to go through getting more therapy and being put on waiting lists again. It was done, and I slayed the monster. Autism lay at my feet, and it was raw and transparent, and not wavering whatsoever. This was our reality, it was here in front of me, no longer masquerading around. After another evaluation, we heard the words again that I did not want to hear, but I said a prayer this time, Thank you God, for those words, Autism, we know we did not fail Brock and that Brock indeed is trying as hard as he can, but he lives with this chaos, as we all know it to be on the Autism spectrum. It is no one's fault, no one is to blame, but just the way it is. He just became a statistic, 1 in 110 children, 1 in 70 boys, he made that horrible list, I had dodged for years. I will fight with all that I am to help improve my son's life, to make sure he has the best that we can give him, and above all that he is a happy boy, a confident boy, a sweet, boy. He is my loving and beautiful boy, Brock and Autism will never change that. He is smart, funny, intelligent, obedient, has the heart of a giant, and lights up with pure excitement over trivial adventures, or a new train, Toy Story, etc. He loves life, his family, works harder than any little boy I know, and really tries hard to complete any task. He gets frustrated, but never gives up. He is tough as nails and has been through a lot. He was hospitalized 13 times in the first two years of life. He has horrible allergies and eczema and NEVER complains. He is quick to light up your day with those beautiful blue eyes and that radiant smile. He plays with my hair still, and has pet names for me. I don't know what I would do without his hands in my hair. I know others may think it's odd, but he has always done it, and I am completely used to it. He calls me Speeder(no clue why, because I do not get in a hurry, hardly ever), or Slinky from Toy Story 3. Each person he is close to, he will pick a character out of Toy Story and lovingly refer to them. He really gets into it. His imagination is amazing to me, and he is completely gifted. He can seriously recite the entire movie and really acts each scene out. Once touched by Brock you are never the same.
I am blessed to be Brock's Mom and I will do anything for him. I just hope that one day, Brock will wake up and language will not be so difficult, that making friends will be easy, that certain sounds won't upset him and that he can freely tell me anything without getting trapped in his own thoughts. I hope that in his lifetime a cure for Autism is discovered, and the reasons why. The number of children affected just blossoms each day and it's ballooning into an epidemic. All of these children that are Autistic are so different, but alike in some aspects. It is hard to distinguish, and even myself, sometimes miss the signs, and think that child is misbehaving, and low and behold it will be a child similar to mine, with Autism. Autism is a puzzle, an enigma to Mom's, Dad's, Doctor's and even the children that live with it. It is and can be gradual, mistaken for delays, even showing up later, and give others lots of unwarranted advise for you, all of which I take with a grain of salt. Because my son looks "normal", whatever that means, he is expected to be like eveyone else, from teachers, to peers, to even family member's. He is different, special, gifted, blessed, and often misunderstood. He is not like everyone else. His brain is somehow wired different and he needs understanding, love, acceptance, and guidance. His character is already strong and fighting to be free and I believe that if he could only really tell me that he would, because I can tell when the frustration is brimming over, that he cannot take one more minute of it. I will remain steadfast the one always in Brock's corner, fighting, researching, making other's stand up and take notice, bringing it to the forefront, and seeking answers and solutions myself, even unconventional ones, so long as Brock is safe and agrees. I am not out to change my wonderful son, but to open doors, to be the one that brings that light in for him or another child like him. I possess enough love to help him become a successful man, with all of life's richest blessings and hope that our walk with Autism leaves us coming out the other side, better, stronger, more faithful and hopeful with a drive and determination to change the world. Something has to be done, someone has to help, and we have to get involved. Only through heartache have I become an activist, only through love, only through perseverance, and only with God's abiding love. Imagine a day in the life of an Autistic child, close your eyes and see if you could wonder in the dark being trapped inside. We can make a difference and each day counts. I will do what I can each day to make a difference and stop Autism in it's tracks, will you?
Learn more about Autism at
Autism Speaks. Help us be a part of the solution. Please. It could be your child.
Brock was diagnosed with PDD-NOS Autism in 2011 after 7 long years of frustration we finally had a label and started adding in extra therapy for ST and OT. Early intervention is key. Persevere Parents and keep pressing if you really believe there is a problem. It may take several attemtps, but in the end you can help give your child more services to be as successful as he or she can be. Thanks for taking the time to read my post. Together our love can make a HUGE difference, let's fight for our children!
"Nothing is impossible, the word itself says 'I'm possible'! "
-Audrey Hepburn